MARRIED COUPLES: Pray Like Garanimals!

Perhaps I'm dating myself as a child of the seventies, but when I was a young I loved to wear Garanimals! You didn't need your parents telling you what to wear, because all you had to do was match the animals on the tag to know what clothes went together.  The introduction of this coordinated system was fun, promoted maturity, and helped children feel good about themselves.

Now that I'm a married "grown woman" (as Mary J. Blidge so aptly put it), I have found the need for learning how to match once again.  The best wedding gift we received was advice: Be sure to pray every single day together without fail!  At the time it seemed easy enough, but as the days passed by after our "I Do", we worked hard to make it a critical part of our routine.  We both know that prayer has kept us standing as outside forces have beat up against us.  Darryl always says, "God is the head of this union"... Scriptures says, "a three-fold cord isn't easily broken"... I say, "Amen to both"!

Praying together is mandatory in a healthy, God-centered marriage relationship.  If a couple hasn't both decided that Christ is their glue-connector, then staying together may be difficult when life kicks into high gear.  Can't we all agree that staying married is the ultimate goal???  Statistics say that almost half of Christian marriages end in divorce.  I wonder how many Christians are getting married equally yoked, with wise counsel established, and equal goal lines ahead.  Let us not rush to our own desires and not see the team's desires as most critical!

Garanimals teach children how to match clothing outfits by using various animals on the tags.

So this is where, praying "Garanimal Style" becomes necessary! As married couples build their daily prayer life, it is imperative that matching prayers take place when together or individually.  Garanimals clothing are so cool, because they are built on a "coordinated system", and so should our prayers be.

Uncoordinated Prayer: 
Theresa prays, "dear Lord... please send the Ordells to Italy to live in a palace."
Darryl prays, "dear Lord... please send the Ordells to the Dominican Republic to live in a shack."
There is NO coordinated system of prayers.  This shows not only being out of sync with each other, but it also shows a lack of communication on our part.  If you don't talk it out and map out a plan, you'll never make progress.

God will not answer prayers that divide a married unit.

Prayer is a serious thing, it involves power, accuracy and expectancy... and a turning of the will!  Our wills should be clearly directed to God's agenda if we want the most effectiveness.  So when couples see no activity, they must reconvene and address what is being prayed.  Perhaps many couples don't want to take the risk of praying together due to the possibility of exposing their opposition of desires!

Get on one accord and pray like Garanimals together!  First, discuss what you'd like to see God do in your future.  Whether it's praying about a job change, purchasing a house, having children, moving to another state, going back to school or even going on vacation... pray like Garanimals - find a coordinated system so that your prayers will be effective!

Mark 3:25 states: 

If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.

Just recently, Darryl and I were discussing something in our lives that we anticipated God to do.  I assumed we were both cheering for the same team and expecting the same result!  Darryl listened to me go on and on and on and on and on and on... (did I say he actually listened to me go on and on?) and after I finished my tirade, he broke IT down and ME down too!

This is how my husband viewed our prayers:
Theresa was praying/asking for God to bless us in a particular way, as if it may not be possible for us to receive or be considered for a blessing.  
Darryl was praying for God to get us ready for the blessing so that we could be good stewards over it, because he knew the Lord was more than able to fulfill the request!

Our prayers were not on a coordinated system... or should I say, we were close, but not quite matching and praying Garanimal style!  Our belief system had to be set the same way, then we had to ask in agreement. I was still hoping and he had already been there and done that.

Garanimal Style Prayer:
Lord, prepare us for the blessing that is coming our way. We know that you are a specific God that tailors our blessings in a unique way.  We cannot be unprepared when you decide it's time for us to receive the blessing.  We want to maximize our miracles and be the right stewards over every gift you bring to our house.  Most importantly, let your will be done in our lives. We submit to your agenda, your timetable and your plans of prosperity.  Be it unto us according to your Word and our faith! In Jesus' name... Amen.

Now, sometimes we're just not where the other spouse is in our ability to ask the Lord for our needs.  This is okay.  When you come together for prayer, it can still be Garanimal style if one of you says, I'm just not where you are yet, but I'm willing to come in God's presence with you to work it out so we can get on one accord.  When both of you are saved and walking in relationship with Jesus Christ, then agreement is possible.  If you cannot reach a place of agreement with what to pray, there's still a way to pray like Garanimals!

Garanimal Style Prayers when you can't Agree:
Lord, we're at a crossroads in our marriage.  We're in separate corners of the ring ready to come out swinging to get our way.  I want to go to Alaska, and they want to go to Hawaii.  They want to go to one church, while I want to go to another.  One of us wants to quit our job and the other wants to look for more work.  One of us isn't in love anymore, and the other wants to stay in this marriage for better or for worst.  Neither of us want to give up our desires, but we all that we can agree on is that you are a just Judge.  You will have to call the shots on this dilemma, you turn our wills to your will.  Send a clear and precise sign that will get both of our attentions so that we don't let our differences cause a breach in the covenant.  Help us oh Lord for there is none other that can fix our marriage but you... In Jesus' name, Amen... so be it...

Even if it hurts, ask your spouse to sit in prayer to find agreement.  Remember, before it gets completely divided consider their option and God's option before you fight to the death for your own way.  All in all, I speak life to your marriage decisions.  May the Lord use every situation to teach you all how to merge into a powerful unit full of focus and precise in their prayers!

Amen,

Mrs. Wow

Need help getting a prayer routine started with your spouse? Check out this blog for pointers: http://ournewlywedchronicles.blogspot.com/search/label/home%20life

Be sure to look out for my upcoming training session in prayer for wives: Praying a Boaz Blessing over Your Husband!  This session will give you directives to take before the Lord when asking him to bless your husband, you don't want to miss it!

Email theresa@harvestwords.com for more information. This will be scheduled for an online video program and an in-person session for engaged and married women. Information will be posted on the webpage too: www.harvestwords.com

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"Married Mondays" - #6 - This week's inspiration for our Readers!

My mother spent the majority of my childhood as a Grammy award winning songwriter.  She used many of her life experiences to pen melodies that came from her deepest emotions.  Every lyric of every song I know from her catalog has left an indelible print on my heart.  Just today I was singing a simple lyric she wrote, "you inspire me..." Actually I can't even remember the artist or the song this line comes from, BUT I do remember a time when I tried to imagine having a husband to inspire me for a lifetime.  Now... as God has seen fit to bless me at this part of my life journey, we have each other.  I feel like the moon has lit a pathway on the ocean for me to find the way to my destiny.

Inspiration causes you to walk towards each other to find encouragement.

There were times when I wasn't sure if I'd find someone to trust, because giving someone access to your heart and emotional well-being is a powerful surrender.  Marriage can give another person the power to either lift you up mentally and emotionally or tear you down.  That coupled with your own idiosyncrasies and insecurities causes the waters to get even deeper.

My husband has introduced me to country music.  This week's song is "Like I Am", by Rascal Flatts.  The lyrics are amazing, "...I can feel the change, the change you made in me, but will I ever see all the things you see in me ... when you say that I'm one of a kind, baby I don't see it, but you believe it ... I promise you, I'll try to be that kind of man, because you love me like I am".  Check it out and find the inspiration to inspire your lover.

For marriages this week, Darryl and I are praying for couples to inspire one another in being who they were meant to be together.  The word "inspire" is defined as: to fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative.  To the Ordell's, it is to love in a magnificent manner, we see it as the pouring into someone's soul in the deepest of places.  This becomes even more precious when you've gone through hard times and still find the power to pour into someone in the midst of your own pain.  We pray that we...inspire you to get back to the basics of love or stay in it for better or for worse.

This week, share with readers how your spouse inspires you or how you both plan to get started in this area.

Happy living & loving!

The Mr. & the Mrs.

"Married Mondays" - #5 - Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Hanging out at a birthday party!

Many who know us, know we travel a lot!  Darryl is gone more than I am these days; nevertheless, it keeps us paying attention to the relationship we are honored to share with each other.  One of the best things about being married to Mr. LBD (as I affectionately call him) is that he loves to surprise me.  Not too long ago, I was excited on our date night to go see what I thought was a fireworks show, but he surprised me with tickets to Alvin Ailey's dance production.  I never know with this guy!  There are times our date may be the typical movie and dinner, but sometimes our budget says to keep it simple.  Whatever our financial standing, we make a point to have date night.  Last week we went to a birthday party and hung out with friends instead of hanging solo.  The other day our date night was simply going to Ihop at 1:00 am!  Sometimes it just helps to get outside the house, hold hands and do something together.

One of the greatest misconceptions about dating your spouse is that you have to spend lots of money to make it wonderful. This is not true. As a matter of fact, we challenge you all to take $20 and see what fun things you can do for hours around town with that money!  Branch out to picnics, walks on the beach, bike riding, visiting a winery, people watching and more.  Just be sure to do your "grown thang", invest in the most important person in your life, and don't let busy days cause you to forget how spectacular your spouse can be!  ...and it doesn't matter who initiates the date—just make sure you go!  If you have to initiate the date, don't let that discourage you. Your spouse may really see it as a sexy jesture!

Have you heard this Luther song "Grown Thangs" about a couple going out on a date, getting a baby sitter and just having a night out?  Check it out, get out and hang out no matter how much cash you have!


Today's Married Monday question:
What is the best Date Night you and your spouse have had? Share what you did in case some other couples need some great ideas!

"Single Saturday's" - #3 - weekly question as you ponder your path!

It's interesting what you'll do to make a relationship work.  It's even more interesting what you won't be willing to do to make a relationship work.  When my husband married me, he inheirited my two girls, Peace & Joy.  As a result of his adoption, we start and end every day by picking up crap! 

Once when a friend was getting married, she came to spend the weekend with me prior to the big day.  Before she left, I told her I wanted her to go with me to walk the girls.  As I handed her the leash, I also handed her a little green bag for the poop.  The walk began and eventually nature had her way and the dogs had to "go".  After they finished, the stinch filled the air then I motioned for her to pick up the crap!  She looked disgusted, but I told her, "this is your first lesson in marriage... everyday you have to pick up crap!"  It's true... no relationship is free without it.  

As you fantasize about how glamorous and glorious it will be to be married... just remember the crap will come but love can handle all!  Now if you're going to pick up crap, be sure to have your baggies to gather it up and throw it away.  Don't let stuff simmer... or the smell and intensity of it all gets worst.

Single Saturday Question of the Week:  
How good are you at picking up crap???  Do you think you could handle arguments, hard times and communication problems ... and then forgive your spouse, let it all go and push on with your day???

"Single Saturday's" - #2 - weekly question as you ponder your path!

Do you embrace the mystery?

One of our greatest pleasures in life as a married couple is knowing we never cheated on ourselves as singles! We lived! We took the journey head on and found out who we are as individuals. This is not a task that many find necessary. Most singles are so busy wanting to hook up, that they don't know who they are presenting in relationships.

Do you know who you are? Have you expanded your horizons to increase the attraction level the opposite sex has for you? The first week we wanted to know what you're looking for in someone else, but this week's question is geared towards knowing if you know how cool it is being you. 

SINGLE SATURDAY QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

Ladies and gentlemen: How do you embrace the mystery of being alone? 

"Married Mondays" - #4 - Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Always have each other's back!

How are you doing?  Ready to face the week?  Today we want to provoke couples to be more cognizant of each other, through the good and especially the bad.  As time rolls on, we often forget to make our spouse a priority. Some begin to value things and others more than the one God blessed them with in marriage.  Never forget to give yourself away to each other.

Today's question: How does your spouse make your life easier?  Remember the first time you realized they had your back no matter what.  It could've been something as simply as doing the dishes; picking the kids up from school or supporting you as you took a chance on a new business venture even though there was no money in the budget to do so.  As you ponder our question, find a way this week to make your spouse's life a little easier, what ever it takes!  Think about it this way:  God pours into each of you so you can pour into one another.  If she puts you first and you put her first, you're both taken care of.

"Married Mondays" - #4 - Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Hey family!  We didn't forget our married couples.  Today when I was making a late breakfast for the Mister, he was on a somewhat important phone call that couldn't be ended when I placed his food on the table.  I motioned for him to come eat, and I slipped into the other room with my food as I sat on the bed running through my "to do list" in my head.  My thoughts were interrupted when he came to the door and told me to finish eating at the table.  It really didn't matter to me at that moment, since my mind was preoccupied.

When he finished his call, Darryl said something very important. "I've spent most of my adult life eating on the run, standing up, sitting in random places—we need to always remember to take the time to sit at the table, look at each other, and enjoy our food together!"

How true is this for couples? We're always so busy trying to do "the next thing", that we often negate the present moment we can spend with each other.  One of the most important parts of a meal is the fellowship.  Today's question: How do you and your spouse spend quality time with each other and are you getting enough of it?

Today's song suggestion is quite hysterical! When this song comes on in the house, we both crack up laughing while singing! Check it out to add a smile to your day!

"Single Saturday's" - #1 - weekly question as you ponder your path!

It's been brought to our attention, that single folks want the same opportunity to gain insight, exchange ideas and be encouraged on a weekly basis... just like the married folks do! So here we go!

A solid relationship is like great choreography!

WIFE'S INTRO:
Being single till 40 showed me plenty of things about dating, understanding who you are, and more importantly... understanding who you want to "GIVES' YOUR TIME TO"!!! Man, I tell you I could write a book just on the "types" of guys I've dated! It got to be funny ... My family actually suggested I not date people whose last name started with certain letters.  Yes, my single life was funny.  One thing I can definitely say, I knew what I was looking for...and never settled, even if I got caught up in the moment!

HUSBAND'S INTRO:

My perspective was slightly different...I had no idea what I was looking for.  I just wanted a woman that was pretty to me.  So, I had a few rules to help navigate through this mind-field that we call dating.  1) Never introduce ANYONE to your mom, period.  If you've met my mom, you understand.  2) Never date Dee Dee's, Shakia's or anyone whose name ends in two vowels.  3) And last but not least, Always, Always go to church...any man can get a "date" there!

SINGLE SATURDAY QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
Name the top 5 attributes you'd want the person you would like to marry to possess. (Note: "Being a Christian" is a given, so think harder...)

A new online book!

Cheer Up Your Wife is a free online book that shares great insight into marriage for those just jumping into the waters and for those a little weary of swimming. Singles can even gain a wealth of information from the chapter, God's Dowry.

Author Althea Dupree serves up a well balanced blessing for readers! There's no cost to click for the book, so log on frequently as chapters are added to the site.

"Married Mondays" - #3 - Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Hey married people! Did you survive the holiday with family, friends, food and church?  Well, we're off to our third week of "Married Monday's", and we're looking forward to you sharing your experiences so that others will be encouraged and you in the process.

This week we're going to dig a little deeper:  Have you ever put anything before your marriage?  Maybe you've gotten bogged down with work, church  or hanging just out with friends, and your marriage went from #1 to #527!  Share a story about how your eyes were opened to this fact, how you expressed it to your spouse, and how you dealt or didn't deal with the situation.  As newlyweds we have to learn the art of putting our marriage first as we make the transition from being single.  Also couples that have been together for years can get in a slump and need to be reminded of this fact.  So let's bless each other with this first hand knowledge on the subject.

This week's song is a duet with Anita Baker & Babyface called, "Like You Used To Do"... we think it speaks volumes to this week's topic! Check it out and enjoy!  Also, consider joining us in Florida for A Date With God in August. This may be just the refresher your marriage could use!

CAUTION: DO NOT ENTER! (for singles)

You know the yellow tape used to protect a crime scene that warns for you not to cross the line? Well, I often think this is what a lot of singles should have around their lives to keep either unwanted visitors out—or to warn others that soul upgrades are still in process!

Many singles often wonder, "ok, so like I'm waiting around to find the right person...what should I be doing in the meantime???" Well, duh, hanging out holding your cell waiting for a stranger to magically text you isn't going to work! Get to work on you!

There are tons of things you can do to get ready for a serious relationship, especially with the plans of it leading to marriage. Here are just a couple of things, and we'll explore more at another time:

1) work on your communicating skills!
So do you tend to get frustrated with people when they don't "get" you or where you're coming from in conversation? Do you hate having to express your feelings without yelling, screaming, crying or name calling? Do you practice constructive criticism with friends? Do you express yourself in a rational manner to your boss or coworkers? If these areas are a problem, chances are that it bleeds over into your romantic relationships too. When you're dating, do you try to use sex to solve every crisis? Sex may temporarily stop the disagreement, but in the long run, you're telling the person you're dating that you are incapable of using words to express yourself. You are also telling them that you're a master manipulator. Try working on your temper, expression of feelings and most of all... listening skills! If you try to respond before they even state their case - try laying low with people and see if you've even heard them yet. Try this: repeat back to them what they've said and ask them if you've understood correctly. More later on this topic...

2) work on your disciplines!
I know this sounds so boring and dull, but remember we're working on a crime scene here! No long term relationship or marriage works without discipline. I honestly believe that your discipline practices will cause your partner or spouse to gain respect for you as a person. Disciplines cover food, exercise, work, setting and reaching goals, and expanding your spiritual development. It basically shows that you are focused on life enhancements and will only add to their life too! Do you read? Do you study even if you're not in school? Do you take extracurricular classes? Is your financial spending out of control? Show someone attracted to you that you are able to protect their heart in a committed relationship or their money placed in a shared account in a marriage.

3) work on finding rich experiences!
In my Me Management Discipleship class, I teach a lesson on the verb, "to live". I love that one of the definitions is "to have rich experiences". That speaks volumes to me, and I worked hard to do this when I was single till 40.  Boy, I went to Italy twice, Paris, Australia—New Zealand, Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahamas, Hawaii and all over the country hanging with friends or traveling alone! I remember standing in the airport alone in Rome crying because my friends weren't arriving until the next day, and I forgot how to say in Italian "take me to my hotel" to the taxi driver. It's still one of my most favorite adventures! Anyway, back on topic. You must have something to share besides what you'd like to do "one day"! Stop being afraid of your shadow! Get up - get out - and do something so you have amazing stories to tell your spouse as you plan what other things you'll do together. Learn a language, befriend people from other races, eat at restaurants that aren't part of a chain around the country. LIVE! Be daring!

Ok - chew on that now and we'll discuss more later!

For more single updates, you can also follow on Twitter @harvestwords!

Love, The Mrs.

"Married Mondays" - #2 - Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Thanks to everyone that gave insight last week on our first "Married Mondays" question!  This can be lots of fun and can help you consider more in your marriage by sharing with others.

Are you ready for another one? Let's get going... tell us the most ridiculous fight/argument you've had with your spouse! How did it get resolved? It was so petty that you had to laugh about it in the end! Were you in public, at home, visiting family??? Inquiring minds want to know!

If you have a question that you would like to hear the answers to on this blog, please email us at ordelldt@comcast.net.  We want to hear from you!

In the meantime, check out our Monday song suggestion... old school from the Jackson 5, "Got to Be There" . No matter how much we disagree, at the end of the day we should get back together!

Disclaimer: you don't really think he was serious in this picture do you??? As if...

"I Don't Want to be Like You!"

...I was reminded early this morning while walking the dogs that a young lady declared to me before an audience of about 12 of my mentorees that she didn't want to be like me!

Wow! You talk about eating the humble pie... I actually lost words to reply immediately! I thought the whole point of mentoring was for others to aspire to some part of you that they could emulate...was I wrong?

She went on to tell me that she didn't want to be like me—in my early 30's and still single (at that time). "Oh, okay Ms. Lady... then go grab you any old man, force him to marry you and live happily ever after!" lol - I so wanted to say this, but I had to act like a mature grown up and a leader, which can be boring at times.

Anyway, her basic thoughts were that my teachings: to respect your body by not sleeping around, live with integrity, follow God's commands in regards to your living, rid yourself of insecurity before dating seriously and much more... was equated to a sure way to not being able to find a partner to date and eventually marry.

It made me realize that perhaps a lot of other single Christians and non-Christians feel the same. It's as though your marriage-ability stock goes up if you have sex within 90 days, live full of desperation, present a weak facade of being confident and self-assured, drum up as many STD's as you can, and any other dumb idea like having sex flings due to loneliness... I would really beg to differ!

I know the world presents that view that God has no idea how to get you to the alter and in a successful marriage after that - (but when you do get there be sure to have a minister give you His blessings!) It's as though sex was never His idea, and marriage is not a godly principle. People - dear singles - He designed all the things you're chasing, so it seems to me that doing life His way would make you more successful! (I'm just saying...)

Yes, that single young female made it a point to declare that she didn't want to be like me, but being like me didn't just mean single in my 30's ... I guess she didn't want to be like me in other areas too: STD and abortion free; confident in who God made me so I'd be better suited to find the right man for me and decode the counterfeits; loneliness free because my single life was spent giving myself away to service instead of whining about what I didn't have; traveling the world to expand my knowledge-base and increase my worldview... should I go on???

Reality states the following:

1. some of the best things in life come to those that wait patiently
2. the race isn't given to the swift, but to the one that has enduring power
3. many singles don't get married until mid-30's so it's wise to live the best life possible full of destiny
4. real, lasting blessings know how to locate you anywhere in the world, and they overtake you when you're least expecting it (you even get warm and tingly on the inside)

Last I checked this same young lady is still single as she is closing out her 30's... interesting, maybe she'll consider being like me now. I got married at 40—and wouldn't change my man or my journey!

SINGLES... Live on purpose!

Mrs. Ordell

"Married Mondays" Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Ok, marriage is a journey... we don't believe it' s fair to say that one level or year mark is easier than another. Stuff happens, people change and the pressure is always on.

BUT in the midst of life happening... tell us one of the coolest moments in your marriage that you all shared that wasn't determined by money or status, house or apartment, kids or trying to get pregnant, job or unemployment!  Y'all were just cool like that...even if it was for that brief moment in time!

It could have been a simple night at home chilling when one of you did something special, a 10 second joke at just the right time, a massage, or a fun moment at a boring event, whatever it was -tell us how your spouse made you smile or made you know it was going to be okay after all was said and done!

YOUR TYPE???

Wife's Report

Interesting conversation today with my husband about interracial dating. To cut to the chase, Darryl and I often joke about how he's dated many white girls in the past. I usually laugh and say I was the first black girl he went out with in a million years, etc! He then returns the joke with how I finally had sense enough to upgrade my pickings by choosing him... we go on and on while cracking up laughing and slamming each other up!

Today over lunch he brought out an interesting point when we hit upon to the topic of interracial dating. He said, "many think I dated white women because I didn't want to date black women... and that was so not the case! Black women didn't want to date me... so I dated who was interested in me!"

Darryl continued to explain that many black women tend to be picky about looks, or only want a certain "rough & tough" type of man, etc. There are so many variables as to why you choose only the man you want or the type of man you dream about. The "godly wish list" is full of insignificant desires that have very little to do with solid relational connection, living outside our borders and more to do with 6'3" - chocolate or vanilla - bald or dreads, etc. Some skip past the nerd with glasses and the paid off car, the guy that's into jogging or camping or winter/water sports, or the chef that is an IT guru. Deep inside many just want BET flash and an escort for M&M's... meals and movies!

Ladies, the rate of single black women not getting married is increasing. Yes it has to do with the spread of AIDS, jail, unemployment, etc. But it also has to do with women not wanting the guy in the plumbing truck or that gives you a AAA jump (by the way, both of these guys can easily make over $80k a year). We want the front cover of Ebony Magazine Hollywood, Mack Daddy vibe! right?

I sat across from my husband, and I couldn't deny a lot of the truth he dropped. I thought of many of my wonderful single friends... then I thought about who I was just some 6 years ago when he met me. We were movie buddies when he came to LA. We'd meet half way between our houses for pancakes at night and discuss the fate of the world, relationships and more. My whole world at that time was traveling, bouncing all over for ministry, writing books, going on vacations, shopping and barely sleeping. I was going going going all the time! Over the course of our friendship I dated different people, but I did tell my friend, Jan, before... "I won't marry Darryl! He's too short, wears locks, etc!", I was moving so fast in life that I really couldn't SEE who was in front of me! So he dated several white women, and I reserved him as my deepest confidant and dear friend. We tried to date once & I acted like such a nut job that we quickly left that idea alone! I even disappeared from him for a year to hide from the embarrassment!

I went on to date a judge in the Bahamas, that owned several businesses on the island and a thriving law office. He was on the fast track to success. I was even allowed to keep his Range Rover for a month or so before he shipped it overseas. It was lovely being in the fairytale of success on tap! lol - we had a blast! Driving on the island looking at the gorgeous waterfront homes he considered buying fed into my dream of being a fabulous, international wife. BUT!!!! I was bored! Conversation was limited, I didn't laugh, I felt I had to be on most of the time, I couldn't be a silly girl when I wanted, he had little patience with blunders, I actually treated everything we did as a business transaction. Then one day I had a need that went beyond a checkbook, I needed comfort that didn't require a touch or a new Coach purse. I got the phone call saying he had a dream that something was wrong and needed to know what he needed to do to help me. Tears rolled down my cheeks... I needed a friend... it wasn't the Judge... it was the short guy with the dread locks that was in tune with ME over the years. He was the one that got on a plane and slept in the hospital chair, walked me down the hospital hall as I recovered in deep pain, hair all over the place... no glamor whatsoever! He didn't laugh when I cried tears of fear. When sadness overwhelmed me, he made me laugh to the point that I thought I was going to bust! Yep, my confidant came to my rescue, but the package looked different from the fantasy.

Finally, I was moving slow enough to actually SEE who was in front of me. When he asked where my international boyfriend was, I just laughed and said that he told me he couldn't give up tickets to the Cowboys playoff game at the same time I was in the hospital. So much for the excitement with a high profile dude!

Listen, I'm not telling you to lower your standards, I'm just telling you to pay attention... and stop getting mad when a white girl walks by you laughing and holding the hand of another wonderful black man that you once ignored! Look at the friend that's there consistently that doesn't limit you to a booty call when it's convenient for him! Both of my sisters are married to men that they didn't think they wanted at one time... and both my sisters are reallllllllllll happy and married for over 20 years and counting.

Love is different on the married side of the fence... I think back to all the christian dating books on the shelf telling you how to get a man in 30 days or less, how to marry rich, how to be in control of the relationship, etc! WHATEVER! The best way to get advice is to stop, drop and pray! Then get up, rethink what you want and get in touch with what you need!

Ask yourself this when you're dating someone: Is the first thing I tell people about the person I'm dating is what they do for a living? Can this person really pray for me and ask God to expand my life? Do I see God's love mirrored or the opportunity for financial gain when I look in their eyes? Am I really a woman that would ride or die for this dude, never cheat or lie because I couldn't afford to loose this type of relationship?

Fantasy about marriage is a lot different from the real thing! I know you're out there getting advice from single women all the time on how to get a man, but if I were you... I'd spend time talking to more men about their inner needs, and more time asking happily married women how can I get ready for the real deal and not a check book.

You have the wedding planned, the dress picked out, the press you'll call to announce your wedding... and most of the brides out there forget about the groom during the planning, because it has little to do with his needs and more to do with her fantasy of the day! Well, news flash... the wedding ceremony never goes as planned! Problems happen, guests are usually there to judge the flowers and colors, mistakes happen with planning, dresses rip, guests leave early, etc! But one thing that's real is when you say "I do", you have to live that thing!!!

Our honeymoon felt like an episode of Punked! What was supposed to be a 7 day cruise to 3 Mexico ports ended up being a cruise to rainy San Francisco, catching the flu and a host of other problems! Most of the lingerie I packed didn't get worn, because I was too sick to be sexy for a cartoon character, let alone my new husband. But as we sat there talking about all the ceremony and vacation pitfalls... Darryl looked at me and said, "At least we're together!" That's real talk! On that note, I blew my nose took my Nyquil and smiled. that's the part that the crowd doesn't see!

In closing, my nephew told me that he really wants to date a black girl! I know this sounds crazy, but he actually has the pick of about 3 other nationalities before he even glances at a black girl. I told him I was shocked, but he was real serious... his next statement was, but I don't know where to find her. He was looking for inner quality and beauty. He said he wants a solid black family when he gets married. Now my fear is... will he find her? will she be too busy checking out the dude with sagging pants to notice a fine, twenty something young man that loves God, is creative, writes business plans, is focused on his future???? I pray he does, but it's a little frightening!

So back to the question at hand... What's your type??? Not what do you dream about, but what do you need to sustain you in the blackest of problems, the sickness, the pain... you know, the ugly side of the vows!