A new online book!

Cheer Up Your Wife is a free online book that shares great insight into marriage for those just jumping into the waters and for those a little weary of swimming. Singles can even gain a wealth of information from the chapter, God's Dowry.

Author Althea Dupree serves up a well balanced blessing for readers! There's no cost to click for the book, so log on frequently as chapters are added to the site.

"Married Mondays" - #3 - Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Hey married people! Did you survive the holiday with family, friends, food and church?  Well, we're off to our third week of "Married Monday's", and we're looking forward to you sharing your experiences so that others will be encouraged and you in the process.

This week we're going to dig a little deeper:  Have you ever put anything before your marriage?  Maybe you've gotten bogged down with work, church  or hanging just out with friends, and your marriage went from #1 to #527!  Share a story about how your eyes were opened to this fact, how you expressed it to your spouse, and how you dealt or didn't deal with the situation.  As newlyweds we have to learn the art of putting our marriage first as we make the transition from being single.  Also couples that have been together for years can get in a slump and need to be reminded of this fact.  So let's bless each other with this first hand knowledge on the subject.

This week's song is a duet with Anita Baker & Babyface called, "Like You Used To Do"... we think it speaks volumes to this week's topic! Check it out and enjoy!  Also, consider joining us in Florida for A Date With God in August. This may be just the refresher your marriage could use!

CAUTION: DO NOT ENTER! (for singles)

You know the yellow tape used to protect a crime scene that warns for you not to cross the line? Well, I often think this is what a lot of singles should have around their lives to keep either unwanted visitors out—or to warn others that soul upgrades are still in process!

Many singles often wonder, "ok, so like I'm waiting around to find the right person...what should I be doing in the meantime???" Well, duh, hanging out holding your cell waiting for a stranger to magically text you isn't going to work! Get to work on you!

There are tons of things you can do to get ready for a serious relationship, especially with the plans of it leading to marriage. Here are just a couple of things, and we'll explore more at another time:

1) work on your communicating skills!
So do you tend to get frustrated with people when they don't "get" you or where you're coming from in conversation? Do you hate having to express your feelings without yelling, screaming, crying or name calling? Do you practice constructive criticism with friends? Do you express yourself in a rational manner to your boss or coworkers? If these areas are a problem, chances are that it bleeds over into your romantic relationships too. When you're dating, do you try to use sex to solve every crisis? Sex may temporarily stop the disagreement, but in the long run, you're telling the person you're dating that you are incapable of using words to express yourself. You are also telling them that you're a master manipulator. Try working on your temper, expression of feelings and most of all... listening skills! If you try to respond before they even state their case - try laying low with people and see if you've even heard them yet. Try this: repeat back to them what they've said and ask them if you've understood correctly. More later on this topic...

2) work on your disciplines!
I know this sounds so boring and dull, but remember we're working on a crime scene here! No long term relationship or marriage works without discipline. I honestly believe that your discipline practices will cause your partner or spouse to gain respect for you as a person. Disciplines cover food, exercise, work, setting and reaching goals, and expanding your spiritual development. It basically shows that you are focused on life enhancements and will only add to their life too! Do you read? Do you study even if you're not in school? Do you take extracurricular classes? Is your financial spending out of control? Show someone attracted to you that you are able to protect their heart in a committed relationship or their money placed in a shared account in a marriage.

3) work on finding rich experiences!
In my Me Management Discipleship class, I teach a lesson on the verb, "to live". I love that one of the definitions is "to have rich experiences". That speaks volumes to me, and I worked hard to do this when I was single till 40.  Boy, I went to Italy twice, Paris, Australia—New Zealand, Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahamas, Hawaii and all over the country hanging with friends or traveling alone! I remember standing in the airport alone in Rome crying because my friends weren't arriving until the next day, and I forgot how to say in Italian "take me to my hotel" to the taxi driver. It's still one of my most favorite adventures! Anyway, back on topic. You must have something to share besides what you'd like to do "one day"! Stop being afraid of your shadow! Get up - get out - and do something so you have amazing stories to tell your spouse as you plan what other things you'll do together. Learn a language, befriend people from other races, eat at restaurants that aren't part of a chain around the country. LIVE! Be daring!

Ok - chew on that now and we'll discuss more later!

For more single updates, you can also follow on Twitter @harvestwords!

Love, The Mrs.

"Married Mondays" - #2 - Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Thanks to everyone that gave insight last week on our first "Married Mondays" question!  This can be lots of fun and can help you consider more in your marriage by sharing with others.

Are you ready for another one? Let's get going... tell us the most ridiculous fight/argument you've had with your spouse! How did it get resolved? It was so petty that you had to laugh about it in the end! Were you in public, at home, visiting family??? Inquiring minds want to know!

If you have a question that you would like to hear the answers to on this blog, please email us at ordelldt@comcast.net.  We want to hear from you!

In the meantime, check out our Monday song suggestion... old school from the Jackson 5, "Got to Be There" . No matter how much we disagree, at the end of the day we should get back together!

Disclaimer: you don't really think he was serious in this picture do you??? As if...

"I Don't Want to be Like You!"

...I was reminded early this morning while walking the dogs that a young lady declared to me before an audience of about 12 of my mentorees that she didn't want to be like me!

Wow! You talk about eating the humble pie... I actually lost words to reply immediately! I thought the whole point of mentoring was for others to aspire to some part of you that they could emulate...was I wrong?

She went on to tell me that she didn't want to be like me—in my early 30's and still single (at that time). "Oh, okay Ms. Lady... then go grab you any old man, force him to marry you and live happily ever after!" lol - I so wanted to say this, but I had to act like a mature grown up and a leader, which can be boring at times.

Anyway, her basic thoughts were that my teachings: to respect your body by not sleeping around, live with integrity, follow God's commands in regards to your living, rid yourself of insecurity before dating seriously and much more... was equated to a sure way to not being able to find a partner to date and eventually marry.

It made me realize that perhaps a lot of other single Christians and non-Christians feel the same. It's as though your marriage-ability stock goes up if you have sex within 90 days, live full of desperation, present a weak facade of being confident and self-assured, drum up as many STD's as you can, and any other dumb idea like having sex flings due to loneliness... I would really beg to differ!

I know the world presents that view that God has no idea how to get you to the alter and in a successful marriage after that - (but when you do get there be sure to have a minister give you His blessings!) It's as though sex was never His idea, and marriage is not a godly principle. People - dear singles - He designed all the things you're chasing, so it seems to me that doing life His way would make you more successful! (I'm just saying...)

Yes, that single young female made it a point to declare that she didn't want to be like me, but being like me didn't just mean single in my 30's ... I guess she didn't want to be like me in other areas too: STD and abortion free; confident in who God made me so I'd be better suited to find the right man for me and decode the counterfeits; loneliness free because my single life was spent giving myself away to service instead of whining about what I didn't have; traveling the world to expand my knowledge-base and increase my worldview... should I go on???

Reality states the following:

1. some of the best things in life come to those that wait patiently
2. the race isn't given to the swift, but to the one that has enduring power
3. many singles don't get married until mid-30's so it's wise to live the best life possible full of destiny
4. real, lasting blessings know how to locate you anywhere in the world, and they overtake you when you're least expecting it (you even get warm and tingly on the inside)

Last I checked this same young lady is still single as she is closing out her 30's... interesting, maybe she'll consider being like me now. I got married at 40—and wouldn't change my man or my journey!

SINGLES... Live on purpose!

Mrs. Ordell

"Married Mondays" Short & Simple Question for our Readers!

Ok, marriage is a journey... we don't believe it' s fair to say that one level or year mark is easier than another. Stuff happens, people change and the pressure is always on.

BUT in the midst of life happening... tell us one of the coolest moments in your marriage that you all shared that wasn't determined by money or status, house or apartment, kids or trying to get pregnant, job or unemployment!  Y'all were just cool like that...even if it was for that brief moment in time!

It could have been a simple night at home chilling when one of you did something special, a 10 second joke at just the right time, a massage, or a fun moment at a boring event, whatever it was -tell us how your spouse made you smile or made you know it was going to be okay after all was said and done!

YOUR TYPE???

Wife's Report

Interesting conversation today with my husband about interracial dating. To cut to the chase, Darryl and I often joke about how he's dated many white girls in the past. I usually laugh and say I was the first black girl he went out with in a million years, etc! He then returns the joke with how I finally had sense enough to upgrade my pickings by choosing him... we go on and on while cracking up laughing and slamming each other up!

Today over lunch he brought out an interesting point when we hit upon to the topic of interracial dating. He said, "many think I dated white women because I didn't want to date black women... and that was so not the case! Black women didn't want to date me... so I dated who was interested in me!"

Darryl continued to explain that many black women tend to be picky about looks, or only want a certain "rough & tough" type of man, etc. There are so many variables as to why you choose only the man you want or the type of man you dream about. The "godly wish list" is full of insignificant desires that have very little to do with solid relational connection, living outside our borders and more to do with 6'3" - chocolate or vanilla - bald or dreads, etc. Some skip past the nerd with glasses and the paid off car, the guy that's into jogging or camping or winter/water sports, or the chef that is an IT guru. Deep inside many just want BET flash and an escort for M&M's... meals and movies!

Ladies, the rate of single black women not getting married is increasing. Yes it has to do with the spread of AIDS, jail, unemployment, etc. But it also has to do with women not wanting the guy in the plumbing truck or that gives you a AAA jump (by the way, both of these guys can easily make over $80k a year). We want the front cover of Ebony Magazine Hollywood, Mack Daddy vibe! right?

I sat across from my husband, and I couldn't deny a lot of the truth he dropped. I thought of many of my wonderful single friends... then I thought about who I was just some 6 years ago when he met me. We were movie buddies when he came to LA. We'd meet half way between our houses for pancakes at night and discuss the fate of the world, relationships and more. My whole world at that time was traveling, bouncing all over for ministry, writing books, going on vacations, shopping and barely sleeping. I was going going going all the time! Over the course of our friendship I dated different people, but I did tell my friend, Jan, before... "I won't marry Darryl! He's too short, wears locks, etc!", I was moving so fast in life that I really couldn't SEE who was in front of me! So he dated several white women, and I reserved him as my deepest confidant and dear friend. We tried to date once & I acted like such a nut job that we quickly left that idea alone! I even disappeared from him for a year to hide from the embarrassment!

I went on to date a judge in the Bahamas, that owned several businesses on the island and a thriving law office. He was on the fast track to success. I was even allowed to keep his Range Rover for a month or so before he shipped it overseas. It was lovely being in the fairytale of success on tap! lol - we had a blast! Driving on the island looking at the gorgeous waterfront homes he considered buying fed into my dream of being a fabulous, international wife. BUT!!!! I was bored! Conversation was limited, I didn't laugh, I felt I had to be on most of the time, I couldn't be a silly girl when I wanted, he had little patience with blunders, I actually treated everything we did as a business transaction. Then one day I had a need that went beyond a checkbook, I needed comfort that didn't require a touch or a new Coach purse. I got the phone call saying he had a dream that something was wrong and needed to know what he needed to do to help me. Tears rolled down my cheeks... I needed a friend... it wasn't the Judge... it was the short guy with the dread locks that was in tune with ME over the years. He was the one that got on a plane and slept in the hospital chair, walked me down the hospital hall as I recovered in deep pain, hair all over the place... no glamor whatsoever! He didn't laugh when I cried tears of fear. When sadness overwhelmed me, he made me laugh to the point that I thought I was going to bust! Yep, my confidant came to my rescue, but the package looked different from the fantasy.

Finally, I was moving slow enough to actually SEE who was in front of me. When he asked where my international boyfriend was, I just laughed and said that he told me he couldn't give up tickets to the Cowboys playoff game at the same time I was in the hospital. So much for the excitement with a high profile dude!

Listen, I'm not telling you to lower your standards, I'm just telling you to pay attention... and stop getting mad when a white girl walks by you laughing and holding the hand of another wonderful black man that you once ignored! Look at the friend that's there consistently that doesn't limit you to a booty call when it's convenient for him! Both of my sisters are married to men that they didn't think they wanted at one time... and both my sisters are reallllllllllll happy and married for over 20 years and counting.

Love is different on the married side of the fence... I think back to all the christian dating books on the shelf telling you how to get a man in 30 days or less, how to marry rich, how to be in control of the relationship, etc! WHATEVER! The best way to get advice is to stop, drop and pray! Then get up, rethink what you want and get in touch with what you need!

Ask yourself this when you're dating someone: Is the first thing I tell people about the person I'm dating is what they do for a living? Can this person really pray for me and ask God to expand my life? Do I see God's love mirrored or the opportunity for financial gain when I look in their eyes? Am I really a woman that would ride or die for this dude, never cheat or lie because I couldn't afford to loose this type of relationship?

Fantasy about marriage is a lot different from the real thing! I know you're out there getting advice from single women all the time on how to get a man, but if I were you... I'd spend time talking to more men about their inner needs, and more time asking happily married women how can I get ready for the real deal and not a check book.

You have the wedding planned, the dress picked out, the press you'll call to announce your wedding... and most of the brides out there forget about the groom during the planning, because it has little to do with his needs and more to do with her fantasy of the day! Well, news flash... the wedding ceremony never goes as planned! Problems happen, guests are usually there to judge the flowers and colors, mistakes happen with planning, dresses rip, guests leave early, etc! But one thing that's real is when you say "I do", you have to live that thing!!!

Our honeymoon felt like an episode of Punked! What was supposed to be a 7 day cruise to 3 Mexico ports ended up being a cruise to rainy San Francisco, catching the flu and a host of other problems! Most of the lingerie I packed didn't get worn, because I was too sick to be sexy for a cartoon character, let alone my new husband. But as we sat there talking about all the ceremony and vacation pitfalls... Darryl looked at me and said, "At least we're together!" That's real talk! On that note, I blew my nose took my Nyquil and smiled. that's the part that the crowd doesn't see!

In closing, my nephew told me that he really wants to date a black girl! I know this sounds crazy, but he actually has the pick of about 3 other nationalities before he even glances at a black girl. I told him I was shocked, but he was real serious... his next statement was, but I don't know where to find her. He was looking for inner quality and beauty. He said he wants a solid black family when he gets married. Now my fear is... will he find her? will she be too busy checking out the dude with sagging pants to notice a fine, twenty something young man that loves God, is creative, writes business plans, is focused on his future???? I pray he does, but it's a little frightening!

So back to the question at hand... What's your type??? Not what do you dream about, but what do you need to sustain you in the blackest of problems, the sickness, the pain... you know, the ugly side of the vows!

Husband's Log - #5

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Man Up!
Stardate: 09-11-23 AJ
17:25
Day 213

Hello fellow sons and daughters. I have not written a Husband’s log in quite some time. The reason I am keenly aware that I haven’t written a Husband’s log in quite some time is because my lovely wife, Mrs. WoW has said to me repeatedly, “You know, you haven’t written a husband’s log in quite some time.” One reason is that I have been struggling with the subject matter. I want to write something about manhood. I admit that I have been struggling with this because I am not sure if I can do such a broad topic justice. My doubts attack me, like schoolyard bullies, shouting, “Man, no one wants to hear what you have to say. People are going to criticize you. How could you possibly have anything to say about anything!” And after I’ve returned from my Happy Place, Joshua 1:9 comes to mind. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Family, I am concerned about the state of our young males. Riddle me this. If a boy grows up with no respect, discipline or guidance, will he not become an adult with no respect, discipline or guidance? Sound familiar? Look at the males on the bus, your job, at church or even in your own home. I say males because there is a distinct difference between being a male and being a man. If this is news to you, keep reading.

I work in schools around the country and I’ve noticed something that albeit not new, seems to have gotten worse: Young males being raised by their mothers. As previously stated this phenomenon was started early on in the black community, however what is different is how these males are being raised. Our mothers once raised their sons, with a little help, to be men. Now these boys are being raised to be players not providers, fops not fathers and wannabe gangsters instead of the princes they are. The problem is two-fold. First, young mothers are raising their sons to be the kind of male they, themselves are attracted to and not the kind of man who marries. Secondly, the fathers are not around…for whatever reason. Consequently, we have lost a whole generation of young males and are losing another and it seems no one wants to take responsibility for it. I’m not saying that every young black male should go to college, although that would be nice. I am saying however that every young black male should finish high school and have some sort of idea about a plan for his future. Believe it or not but most of our sons can barely read the English language and they think that is acceptable. I don’t know how but being intelligent has some how become synonymous with acting white. We as people of color it seems have bought into other people’s idea of who we are. According to the National Center for Education Statistics in 2005, 52% of black eighth graders read at or above the Basic (partial mastery) level; 12% read at or above the Proficient (solid academic performance) level. If that doesn’t scare the crap out of you, you’re stupid! How can a boy grow up to be a famous rapper or athlete if he can’t read, he asked sarcastically. What are you trying to say little man who is with Theresa? I’m trying to say that you’ll never learn to be a man unless you get to see a man. I heard one of my favorite comedians say that and I believe it’s true. Yes, a mother can teach you how to be LIKE a man that she admires. My mother did. But only another man can teach you how to BE a man. I am not going to get into a theoretical debate about the situation or why it is the way it is. It just is…and it needs to be rectified and we (the whole village) have to do it.

I was raised by a single parent until I was twelve, when my mother remarried. When I was growing up there was always a man around that you could talk to, whether you did or not. A neighbor, a cousin, a play brother or a deacon at the church…there was somebody there to help you on your journey. That’s not the case anymore. We have a generation of males who have been raised to be selfish instead of self-reliant. Let’s be real, how can I show you how to keep your word, set goals and make sacrifices if I can’t/don’t do it myself. The result is, a male who can’t fend for him self. He has to depend on someone else to take care of him. The consequence of this vicious cycle is a community that will not progress and ultimately cannot sustain itself. If a male is not equipped to take care of him self, how can he possibly be expected to protect and provide for a family? How can he be the priest of his home? How can he show his son what being a man looks like and his daughter what kind of man to look for? “Survey says”, he can’t.

I am concerned about the state of our young males. Allow me to paint a picture for you. Mrs. WoW and I were in a restaurant a few months ago waiting to be seated. When the host approached I pointed to the two people ahead of us. “They were here first”, I said. They were people of color as well. He was about 21 years old, dress in an oversized white T-shirt and a sagging pair of jeans. She was about 36 years of age. The host asked if they were ready to be seated. The young man replied, “Uhh, she wanna talk…uhhh auntie he wanna talk to you.” He taps the woman on the shoulder, as she is on her phone (that’s another log) and points to the host. She says, “Oh yeah, he need a job are ya’ll hirin?” I was so annoyed! My wife had to talk me down. I wanted to say, “No, they ain’t hiring! They ain’t gonna hire no one who ain’t got confidence enough to speak for himself and who ain’t aware enough to wear the proper attire when looking for a job!” Why was SHE asking for a job application for HIM? We are raising a nation of boys who will forever be boys unless they learn how to be men. And how will they learn if there is no one around to teach them.

A few weeks before our wedding Mrs. WoW and I got into an argument about the responsibility of the groom. Well an argument implies that there was a dialogue. It was more like she complained and I listened. You gotta choose your battles. Apparently there was something that I, as the groom, neglected to do. She told me that I should know the groom’s role in the marriage process. I said how was I supposed to know this information if I had never been taught. She was dumbfounded. As many times as my parents had been married; as many people as I knew who had gotten married; as many times as we had watched the T.V. show Bridezillas, I wasn’t completely sure of my role as the groom. I had to take a crash course. Seeking guidance from my best man, my dad and a few of my boys who had gone through the process helped me negotiate the transition from perplexed groom to husband extraordinaire. LoL.

I want to take this time to give shout a out to the men who aided in my SEEING what a man looks like: Terry, Lewis, Granddaddy Odis, Mr. Dumas, Daddy C., Pastor Frank, Lukey, Uncle Rick, Russell, Mr. Logan, Uncle Eric, Rev. Atwater, Mr. Proctor, Brother Jesse, Dennis, Chuck, Mr. Elom, Charles, Owen, Demmette, Jacques, Uncle Lee and Mr. Tom. If I neglected to mention a name or six it was not intentional. You all have left indelible footprints on my soul.

I am concerned about the state of our young males. You should be too.

On My Own!

Wife's Report

It was just the third day of our marriage, and we were fighting about separating! Who would have thought this would happen! We were supposed to be overflowing with happiness, chilling by the pool enjoying all the yummy food on the cruise ship... but I was upset, and he was confused.

It never really entered my mind that once we got married, we'd have to spend nights alone or go our separate ways. As a result, I was angry and didn't care if he knew. I honestly felt like I was being abandoned, which means that the person leaving has no intention of ever coming back. So I stormed out of the suite off to iron his shirt for the dinner we were headed to. My little feelings were crushed... so as I began to iron his shirt, I got even more upset when black streaks appeared on the sleeves and front! Now I went from being crushed to angry to furious! I headed back to the suite stomping hard as I went, entered the suite and proclaimed "look at your shirt!" (Marriage was going great at this point!) Darryl was looking at me like I was a monster that had overtaken the woman he thought he married. His eyes told me I was tripping, so I quickly tried to recover by explaining how the shirt got messed up by the iron and that the ship would have to pay for the replacement. He just continued to stare, and I was whispered to myself, "you're acting like a crazy wife and it's only day three!"

Was Darryl leaving me for good, were we separating, was he abandoning me or forsaking his marriage? Nope, not at all, but my actions made it seem like it. In all actuality, he was simply scheduled to go out of town for work. Did I know that traveling for work would be a heavy part of our marriage? Yep! Did I know that even I would have to do traveling for work during our marriage? Yep! But did I expect to miss him as much as I did at that moment? Nope! As independent as I had been for 40 years of living, never had I imagined that loving someone so deeply would hit me so hard. The only category in my mind his work travel could be placed in was separation, which was quite extreme.

Months have now passed, and I am getting adjusted to his bags being packed to go make the money we need to keep our lives afloat. I can actually drop him off at the airport without feeling like I'll never see him again, or he's leaving me forever and ever... and ever ever. Does this mean I don't miss him terribly or have a hard time going to sleep now? Nope! But I can deal with it so much better. I've even developed plans for when he's gone to work on projects or household things that would normally take up time from us being together when he's home.

One of the couples we love so dearly and look to for quality advice, Darrell and Angie Finney, have to spend time apart too due to work travel. They encourage us think of the big picture we're painting for our lives, Angie encourages me to focus on supporting him on all endeavors so he can focus on the task ahead, while Darrell advised me to share how I'm feeling instead of allowing anger and sadness to do all the communicating in place of my words.

Single ladies, remember I've cautioned you before that getting married means you may still have to be alone at times while he works the plan for the team. Are you a big girl yet? Big girls know how to roll with the punches! Big girlls know how to support and encourage! Watch out that you don't let your fantasy about marriage consume you. Be sure to watch the healthy couples around you that balance real life in positive ways.

Married ladies, let's not forget the goal of our union is to have a happy home that is focused on the purposes of God. Be the helpmate that knows how to keep the ship floating when the captain is tending to business. Evaluate how you offer support when you have to be on your own. Sometimes he can be right in the house, but busy dealing with school or a business project - can you handle being on your own?

I have other married sisters that have to watch their husbands travel for work or spend time away from home. They always tell me that you get used to it, but the best advice is to be sure to make his welcome home so amazing that he won't want to be gone for long! When's the last time you gave your husband an amazing welcome home from a trip or even just a long day away from the house?

I'm no longer a monster when it's time to "separate", because I know that Darryl does all he can to get home as soon as he can! It makes me treasure his presence when he is home. It makes every call or texts so priceless when I know he's in back to back workshops. It makes me know he loves being married when he tells me how people ask him about his wife or enjoy him telling stories about us when he's on the road working.

Yep, Mr. LBD (my nick name for him) is the king of the castle whether he's home or away. He's the king of my heart at all times. I respect his hustle for our home. I respect his willingness to do anything he can to provide for us. I respect him for rushing home whenever he's away.


Standing firm,

The Mrs.

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