YOUR TYPE???

Wife's Report

Interesting conversation today with my husband about interracial dating. To cut to the chase, Darryl and I often joke about how he's dated many white girls in the past. I usually laugh and say I was the first black girl he went out with in a million years, etc! He then returns the joke with how I finally had sense enough to upgrade my pickings by choosing him... we go on and on while cracking up laughing and slamming each other up!

Today over lunch he brought out an interesting point when we hit upon to the topic of interracial dating. He said, "many think I dated white women because I didn't want to date black women... and that was so not the case! Black women didn't want to date me... so I dated who was interested in me!"

Darryl continued to explain that many black women tend to be picky about looks, or only want a certain "rough & tough" type of man, etc. There are so many variables as to why you choose only the man you want or the type of man you dream about. The "godly wish list" is full of insignificant desires that have very little to do with solid relational connection, living outside our borders and more to do with 6'3" - chocolate or vanilla - bald or dreads, etc. Some skip past the nerd with glasses and the paid off car, the guy that's into jogging or camping or winter/water sports, or the chef that is an IT guru. Deep inside many just want BET flash and an escort for M&M's... meals and movies!

Ladies, the rate of single black women not getting married is increasing. Yes it has to do with the spread of AIDS, jail, unemployment, etc. But it also has to do with women not wanting the guy in the plumbing truck or that gives you a AAA jump (by the way, both of these guys can easily make over $80k a year). We want the front cover of Ebony Magazine Hollywood, Mack Daddy vibe! right?

I sat across from my husband, and I couldn't deny a lot of the truth he dropped. I thought of many of my wonderful single friends... then I thought about who I was just some 6 years ago when he met me. We were movie buddies when he came to LA. We'd meet half way between our houses for pancakes at night and discuss the fate of the world, relationships and more. My whole world at that time was traveling, bouncing all over for ministry, writing books, going on vacations, shopping and barely sleeping. I was going going going all the time! Over the course of our friendship I dated different people, but I did tell my friend, Jan, before... "I won't marry Darryl! He's too short, wears locks, etc!", I was moving so fast in life that I really couldn't SEE who was in front of me! So he dated several white women, and I reserved him as my deepest confidant and dear friend. We tried to date once & I acted like such a nut job that we quickly left that idea alone! I even disappeared from him for a year to hide from the embarrassment!

I went on to date a judge in the Bahamas, that owned several businesses on the island and a thriving law office. He was on the fast track to success. I was even allowed to keep his Range Rover for a month or so before he shipped it overseas. It was lovely being in the fairytale of success on tap! lol - we had a blast! Driving on the island looking at the gorgeous waterfront homes he considered buying fed into my dream of being a fabulous, international wife. BUT!!!! I was bored! Conversation was limited, I didn't laugh, I felt I had to be on most of the time, I couldn't be a silly girl when I wanted, he had little patience with blunders, I actually treated everything we did as a business transaction. Then one day I had a need that went beyond a checkbook, I needed comfort that didn't require a touch or a new Coach purse. I got the phone call saying he had a dream that something was wrong and needed to know what he needed to do to help me. Tears rolled down my cheeks... I needed a friend... it wasn't the Judge... it was the short guy with the dread locks that was in tune with ME over the years. He was the one that got on a plane and slept in the hospital chair, walked me down the hospital hall as I recovered in deep pain, hair all over the place... no glamor whatsoever! He didn't laugh when I cried tears of fear. When sadness overwhelmed me, he made me laugh to the point that I thought I was going to bust! Yep, my confidant came to my rescue, but the package looked different from the fantasy.

Finally, I was moving slow enough to actually SEE who was in front of me. When he asked where my international boyfriend was, I just laughed and said that he told me he couldn't give up tickets to the Cowboys playoff game at the same time I was in the hospital. So much for the excitement with a high profile dude!

Listen, I'm not telling you to lower your standards, I'm just telling you to pay attention... and stop getting mad when a white girl walks by you laughing and holding the hand of another wonderful black man that you once ignored! Look at the friend that's there consistently that doesn't limit you to a booty call when it's convenient for him! Both of my sisters are married to men that they didn't think they wanted at one time... and both my sisters are reallllllllllll happy and married for over 20 years and counting.

Love is different on the married side of the fence... I think back to all the christian dating books on the shelf telling you how to get a man in 30 days or less, how to marry rich, how to be in control of the relationship, etc! WHATEVER! The best way to get advice is to stop, drop and pray! Then get up, rethink what you want and get in touch with what you need!

Ask yourself this when you're dating someone: Is the first thing I tell people about the person I'm dating is what they do for a living? Can this person really pray for me and ask God to expand my life? Do I see God's love mirrored or the opportunity for financial gain when I look in their eyes? Am I really a woman that would ride or die for this dude, never cheat or lie because I couldn't afford to loose this type of relationship?

Fantasy about marriage is a lot different from the real thing! I know you're out there getting advice from single women all the time on how to get a man, but if I were you... I'd spend time talking to more men about their inner needs, and more time asking happily married women how can I get ready for the real deal and not a check book.

You have the wedding planned, the dress picked out, the press you'll call to announce your wedding... and most of the brides out there forget about the groom during the planning, because it has little to do with his needs and more to do with her fantasy of the day! Well, news flash... the wedding ceremony never goes as planned! Problems happen, guests are usually there to judge the flowers and colors, mistakes happen with planning, dresses rip, guests leave early, etc! But one thing that's real is when you say "I do", you have to live that thing!!!

Our honeymoon felt like an episode of Punked! What was supposed to be a 7 day cruise to 3 Mexico ports ended up being a cruise to rainy San Francisco, catching the flu and a host of other problems! Most of the lingerie I packed didn't get worn, because I was too sick to be sexy for a cartoon character, let alone my new husband. But as we sat there talking about all the ceremony and vacation pitfalls... Darryl looked at me and said, "At least we're together!" That's real talk! On that note, I blew my nose took my Nyquil and smiled. that's the part that the crowd doesn't see!

In closing, my nephew told me that he really wants to date a black girl! I know this sounds crazy, but he actually has the pick of about 3 other nationalities before he even glances at a black girl. I told him I was shocked, but he was real serious... his next statement was, but I don't know where to find her. He was looking for inner quality and beauty. He said he wants a solid black family when he gets married. Now my fear is... will he find her? will she be too busy checking out the dude with sagging pants to notice a fine, twenty something young man that loves God, is creative, writes business plans, is focused on his future???? I pray he does, but it's a little frightening!

So back to the question at hand... What's your type??? Not what do you dream about, but what do you need to sustain you in the blackest of problems, the sickness, the pain... you know, the ugly side of the vows!